One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class， he said， "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring， so I don‘t mind if you look at your watches during class. I do， however， object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they‘re still running."
The Father and His Son
Father had a family of sons who were perpetually quarrelling among themselves. When he failed to heal their disputes by his exhortations， he determined to give them a practical illustration of the evils of disunion; and for this purpose he one day told them to bring him a bundle of sticks. When they had done so， he placed the faggot into the hands of each of them in succession， and ordered them to break it in pieces. They each tried with all their strength， and were not able to do it.
He next unclosed the faggot， and took the sticks separately， one by one， and again put them into their hands， on which they broke them easily. He then addressed them in these words: "My sons， if you are of one mind， and unite to assist each other， you will be as this faggot， uninjured by all the attempts of your enemies; but if you are divided among yourselves， you will be broken as
easily as these sticks."
Several weeks after our son began his freshman year at Alma College in Michigan， my husband and I decided to visit him. I was careful to call him a few days in advance to "warn" him that we would be ing. When we arrived at the dorm， however， I was taken aback by the disarray of his room. "Forgot we were ing， didn‘t you?" I teased.
"Are you kidding?" he replied， "Why else would I have bothered to clean?"
The Bat and the Weaselsa
Bat falling upon the ground was caught by a Weasel， ofwhom he earnestly besought his life. The Weasel refused，saying， that he was by nature the enemy of all birds. TheBat assured him that he was not a bird， but a mouse， andthus saved his life.
Shortly afterwards the Bat again fellon the ground， and was carght by another Weasel， whom helikewise entreated not to eat him. The Weasel said that hehad a special hostility to mice. The Bat assured him thathe was not a mouse， but a bat; and thus a second timeescaped.It is wise to turn circumstances to good account.
For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring， since I had developed an allergy to gold. On my birthday， while I was gardening， my husband asked me for gift suggestions. I held my hands up and said， "Well， you‘ll notice that my hands are bare."
Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm. "Happy birthday，" he said， as I unwrapped a new pair of gardening gloves.
The Wolf and the Lamba
Wolf， meeting with a Lamb astray from the fold， resolved not to lay violent hands on him， but to find some plea， which should justify to the Lamb himself his right to eat him. He thus addressed him:"Sirrah， last year you grossly insulted me." "Indeed，" bleated the Lamb in a mournful tone of voice， "I was not then born." Then said the Wolf， "You feed in my pasture."
"No， good sir，" replied the Lamb， "I have not yet tasted grass." Again said the Wolf， "You drink of my well." "No，" exclaimed the Lamb， "I never yet drank water， for as yet my mother′s milk is both food and drink to me." On which the Wolf seized him， and ate him up， saying， "Well! I won′t remain supperless， even though you refute every one of my imputations."The tyrant will always find a pretext for his tyranny.
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse， so she ran out of the house， got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her， "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
The lady went home with her mousetrap， but when she looked in her cupboard， she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop， because it was very late， so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly， the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
The two pots
There were two pots on the bank of a river. One was made of brass， and the other was made of clay.
When the water rose they both floated off down the river. The earthen pot tried to stay away from the brass one.
So the brass pot cried out， "Fear nothing， friend， I will not hit you."
"But I may e in contact with you，" said the earthen pot. "If I e too close， whether I hit you or you hit me， I shall suffer for it."
After that the earthen pot floated away.
When I taught the introduction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University， I required my students to attend the university theater‘s current production and write a critique. After viewing a particularly fine performance， one student wrote: "The play was so real， I thought I was actually sitting on my couch at home， watching it on television."
The miser and his gold Once upon a time there was a miser. He hid his gold under a tree. Every week he used to dig it up.
One night a robber stole all the gold. When the miser came again， he found nothing but an empty hole.
He was surprised， and then burst into tears.All the neighbors gathered around him.
He told them how he used to e and visit his gold.
"Did you ever take any of it out?" asked one of them. "No，" he said， "I only came to look at it." "Then e again and look at the hole，" said the neighbor， "it will be the same as looking at the gold."
问明了原因后，一个邻居问：“你使用过这些金块吗？” “没用过，” 他说，“我只是时常来看看。”“那么，以后再来看这个洞，”邻居说，“就像以前有金块时一样。”
He Was Only Wrong by Two
Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college， and he was always trying to find good players， but they weren‘t always smart enought to be accepted by the college.
One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination. "Well，" the dean said after some persuasion， "I‘d better ask him a few questions first."
Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions， but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.
At last the dean said， "Well， what‘s five times seven?"
The student thought for a long time and then answered， "Thirty-six."
The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair， but the coach said earnestly， "Oh， please let him in， sir! He was only wrong by two."
Three Good Friends
One day， a monkey rides his bike near the river. This time he sees a lion under a tree. The lion runs at him. He is afraid and falls into the river. He can’t swim. He shouts. The rabbit hears him. He jumps into the river. The rabbit swims to the monkey， but he can’t help him. Luckily， an elephant es along. He is very strong. He helps the rabbit and monkey. Three friends are very happy. They go to the elephant’s home. Then， three of them bee good friends.
Napoleon Was Ill
Jack had gone to the university to study history， but at the end of his first year， his history professor failed him in his examinations， and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However， his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.
"He‘s a good boy，" said Jack‘s father， "and if you let him pass this time， I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."
"No， no， that‘s quite impossible，" replied the professor immediately. "Do you know， last month I asked him when Napoleon had died， he didn‘t know!"
"Please， sir， give him another chance，" said Jack‘s father. "You see， I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house， so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."
The Hippo and I
A hippo lives in the zoo. I like him very much. I often go to see him. He often thinks of me， too. Today is Sunday. It is fine day. I go to see him again. After I leave the zoo， he follows me to my house. I give him lettuce， cabbages， bananas， apples and other food. He eats them up. When I sing songs， he stays in the pool. He is as quite as a rabbit.
In the evening， he jumps onto my bed with me. My mum tells him to go home. He has to pack his bag and go back to the zoo. My mum lets me see him every week.
A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.
"The best way， sir，" said the deck hand， "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I‘d pulled you out， they‘d chuck me in."
One woman lectured her best friend on the nature of the male animal. "Husbands are like wood fires; they go out if left unattened."
"Does that mean，" asked the other， "that they make ashes of themselves?"
Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays， which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years， she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand， and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next， it was the husband‘s turn. He paused for a moment， then said shyly， "Well， I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand， and Boom! He was ninety.
Present for Girlfriend
At a jewelry store， a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment， and then said， "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way， if we ever break up， I can use it again."
My father， brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff， we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs， "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."
One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained， "We want to show our son what he missed by not ing to West Point."
Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun， and John wanted to join the army， but he was only 16 years old， and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him， he said that he was 18.
But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before， and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name， so when he saw John‘s papers， he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen， sir，" said John.
"But your brother was eighteen， too，" said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh， no， sir，" said John， and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George， and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said， "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope， Bill?"
Bill said， "Yes， I have，" and he gave them to him.
Then George said， "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his， and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said， "have you got a stamp， Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door， so George said to him， "Are you going out?"
Bill Said， "Yes， I am，" and he opened the door.
George said， "Please put my letter in the box in the office， and..." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered， "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
Very Pleased to Meet You
During World War II， a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp， and of course met a lot of men， officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her， "I‘m going abroad tomorrow， but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed， and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped， but she received one from another officer， telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Joan went there and said to the matron， "I‘ve e to visit Captain Humphreys."
"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here，" the matron said.
"Oh， that‘s all right，" answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."
"I‘m very pleased to meet you，" the matron said， "I‘m his mother!"
Three peting store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying， "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming， "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated， "ENTRANCE".